The Witch And The Whimsy

A Wonderful Year Has Passed

by deeanefeliciano

The past year has been a balance of struggles and merry-making. I have learned so, so much and yet here I am still questioning my own maturity. I guess this chapter of my life is all about the whirlwind ups and down of my decision-making. I would like to think I am wise enough but everything I do is always too risky. Everything was a gamble, either black or white, yes or no. I was told I was nonchalant because I could never fall too hard. But that wasn’t true. The truth is, I just prefer to hold unto things but whenever I lose them, my mind’s set to think it was never meant for me. When bridges are burnt, I make sure they were burnt down to ashes. Which I supposed is what makes me so immature.

I have always known that I love organizing. But I never knew how much I am obsessed with it until I organized our doll’s first birthday party celebrated last May! I guess that’s the highlight of my year: From listing down themes (with my mom scratching out Tim Burton and Goth at the choices), looking for suppliers who could accommodate my weird demands, setting dates which could be convenient for guests and looking for venues that could fit the theme I picked and the ambience I was hoping for.  We ended up doing a Wonderland theme. I picked the cake’s color and flavor. And I was the one who picked all the colors of the balloons in the ceilings to the front door. And you know what? I couldn’t wait for her next birthday party.

The past year little Demon came into our lives. I bought my almost eight years old dog to the pet shop, hoping they’d give her a groom. But the veterinarian told me my dog is having babies. I was beyond shock. She couldn’t be. I never even noticed. About a month later, I had to take her to the veterinarian again because she’s giving birth to two litters. Sadly, the other one didn’t make it. But we took her back home and this time with a sweet rascal. My two little cousins decided the pup’s name would be Demon. And few weeks after, living up to his name, he was already a mischievous little destroyer. He was not a pure breed Shih Tzu like his mother. Nevertheless, we love him a lot.

We also put up a small business. I really enjoyed having that little shop. One morning I woke up and thought that maybe it’s a good idea. The next thing I know we’re looking for suppliers, asking people for opinions, wandering around for location up to buying the units. I am beyond grateful to the acquaintances and professionals who helped us while we were starting. We are beyond clueless on what lies ahead but we’re too excited to back out. And this coming February marks one year of our little shop. We are already contemplating over closing it for good because we have other priorities now. I will miss that shop. I guess the money we earned and lost isn’t what truly mattered. Because of that shop, someone dear to me realized what his goals truly are and that reaching them mattered most. And I guess that’s the best we could gain from all of these.

I could not believe it’s 2015 already. Every memory of the past year seems to be at haze. I remember walking down the fields to teach our doll to walk. And when she finally learned how to, she would always want to walk by herself. And those times we fetch P from his classes at afternoons and we would buy ice-creams on our way home. I remember the late night stroll around the park as we buy midnight snacks at convenient stores. The first time we visited the beach altogether, we tried to catch the fishes by hand and how stupid is that? There had been so many firsts that happened last 2014 and yet I know there is more surprises to come our way. Hopefully, beautiful surprises. I am beyond grateful that I had been able to experience these. Thank you, 2014. You have changed me, my life, in more ways than one. We committed few mistakes here and there. But I think we became a lot more cautious of our actions now.

Hello, 2015

by deeanefeliciano

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something. So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is. Art, or love, or work or family or life. Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever.” – NG

Through Another Person’s Eyes

by deeanefeliciano

I have no single intention of writing about anything tonight. Or anything about this year as it approaches its end. Today is the last day of 2014 and most of the people I know who kept blogs have already written a review of how their year had been. I was just trying to look for an account associated with my email when I accidentally stumbled upon a friend’s blog posts in the internet. We haven’t been out together since college so I got curious on what she’s up to lately. I was surprised with what was written on her blog.

“Deeane: I met this book enthusiast lass in her first year in the university. A bit nerdy, very nonchalant as she calls herself. Deeane introduced me the world of books. I haven’t read book, other books to be specific, unless told by a professor. Yet Deeane showed me a different side. You read books that teachers don’t recommend. Buy things that makes you smile at all cost. (Freedom)” – CT

I always thought it was wonderful to have a chance to see myself through other people’s eyes. That way, I could see a lot more clearly on how my behavior and decisions affect those around me. Though I thought I am so unfitting to likely inspire others, I am glad her blog entry confirmed that I was able to convince at least one person to open up books and read. I may have lost sharp vision due to excessive reading at some point in time but I will never regret that. And I know she or anyone else who like to read feels the same way. And to my dear friend CT who wrote the blog post, if you get to read this, thank you. I had been looking for signs for a long time now and you had been my wake-up call!


by deeanefeliciano

Once upon a time, there was a young couple. He loves her, but he’s afraid to fully commit. She loves him, but she’s got other priorities than keeping a relationship. And yet despite their differences, they were definitely in love. They fight, a lot. And most of the fights end up with break ups, swearing they would never get back to each other. She would often think that it’s for the best. He would think it’s never meant to be. And in their misery of being apart they found themselves desperately trying to escape the memory of the other, hurting other people in the process. They were both hurting too that after being apart for so little time, they find themselves scrambling back to each other’s arms. And then they would fight again. And then they would struggle against their own hearts to prove the other wrong. But mad as it sounds, they could not bear to live without each other no matter how hard they try to show the other that they can. Nobody could ever tell how this tale would ever end.

Why I Love Van Gogh

by deeanefeliciano

“When Van Gogh was a young man in his early twenties, he was in London studying to be a clergyman. He had no thought of being an artist at all. He sat in his cheap little room writing a letter to his younger brother in Holland, whom he loved very much. He looked out his window at a watery twilight, a thin lamppost, a star, and he said in his letter something like this: “It is so beautiful I must show you how it looks.” And then on his cheap ruled note paper, he made the most beautiful, tender, little drawing of it.

The moment I read Van Gogh’s letter I knew what art was, and the creative impulse. It is a feeling of love and enthusiasm for something, and in a direct, simple, passionate and true way, you try to show this beauty in things to others, by drawing it. And Van Gogh’s little drawing on the cheap note paper was a work of art because he loved the sky and the frail lamppost against it so seriously that he made the drawing with the most exquisite conscientiousness and care.” – Brenda Ueland

Dream Catcher

by deeanefeliciano

1:47 in the AM. I woke up to the sound of the hard pouring rain and the cold breeze in my room. There was a split seconds flashback of the dream I had. Something dreary, something that has shaken me. A monster that has been creeping on me for too long. The rain was almost gone when I stood up to prepare coffee. Coffee anyway, for I have lost intention of getting back to my sleep. The dream was long over but anxiety lingered while I was awake.

I envy the people who can describe their worst nightmares. I could not describe my nightmares in words of insults and wicked. They say they are either falling from a high place, being chased by evil beings, a faceless entity lurking from their windows, suffering sleep paralysis or being strangled by scary beings. Sometimes their nightmares are made up of threads of memories, either of ghastly regrets or of the beautiful days. My monster is not scary at all. He was beautiful, he was intelligent. There had been days in the past I have always yearned to see him, to be with him. But then he had to go. And now every fragments of his memory is horror to me. My heart could not bear its wonder.

Sometimes I could not deal with a good bye very well. I would often look back and ask ourselves of what could have been if and if. My questions are impatient and could be endless. And even if I get perfectly happy with what I ended up having, my unconscious self would sometimes remind us of the feelings we have in our depths. I might have even made  imaginary walls to shut off recollections I never wanted to see again. But my subconscious scratches these walls from time to time. Like a vine with thorns, crawling to every filament of my mind, inflicting wound to everything it touches.

I could have said I miss him and that would be easier to understand. But that would not give justice to its real worth. I could have said I wanted to see him. But that would be an insult to the days I resisted to let things be. And at 2:55 in the AM, I am throwing off the dream catcher off my window. Well because, it was working well.



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