Deeane Feliciano

Tale

by deeanefeliciano

Once upon a time, there was a young couple. He loves her, but he’s afraid to fully commit. She loves him, but she’s got other priorities than keeping a relationship. And yet despite their differences, they were definitely in love. They fight, a lot. And most of the fights end up with break ups, swearing they would never get back to each other. She would often think that it’s for the best. He would think it’s never meant to be. And in their misery of being apart they found themselves desperately trying to escape the memory of the other, hurting other people in the process. They were both hurting too that after being apart for so little time, they find themselves scrambling back to each other’s arms. And then they would fight again. And then they would struggle against their own hearts to prove the other wrong. But mad as it sounds, they could not bear to live without each other no matter how hard they try to show the other that they can. Nobody could ever tell how this tale would ever end.

Why I Love Van Gogh

by deeanefeliciano

“When Van Gogh was a young man in his early twenties, he was in London studying to be a clergyman. He had no thought of being an artist at all. He sat in his cheap little room writing a letter to his younger brother in Holland, whom he loved very much. He looked out his window at a watery twilight, a thin lamppost, a star, and he said in his letter something like this: “It is so beautiful I must show you how it looks.” And then on his cheap ruled note paper, he made the most beautiful, tender, little drawing of it.

The moment I read Van Gogh’s letter I knew what art was, and the creative impulse. It is a feeling of love and enthusiasm for something, and in a direct, simple, passionate and true way, you try to show this beauty in things to others, by drawing it. And Van Gogh’s little drawing on the cheap note paper was a work of art because he loved the sky and the frail lamppost against it so seriously that he made the drawing with the most exquisite conscientiousness and care.” – Brenda Ueland

Dream Catcher

by deeanefeliciano

1:47 in the AM. I woke up to the sound of the hard pouring rain and the cold breeze in my room. There was a split seconds flashback of the dream I had. Something dreary, something that has shaken me. A monster that has been creeping on me for too long. The rain was almost gone when I stood up to prepare coffee. Coffee anyway, for I have lost intention of getting back to my sleep. The dream was long over but anxiety lingered while I was awake.

I envy the people who can describe their worst nightmares. I could not describe my nightmares in words of insults and wicked. They say they are either falling from a high place, being chased by evil beings, a faceless entity lurking from their windows, suffering sleep paralysis or being strangled by scary beings. Sometimes their nightmares are made up of threads of memories, either of ghastly regrets or of the beautiful days. My monster is not scary at all. He was beautiful, he was intelligent. There had been days in the past I have always yearned to see him, to be with him. But then he had to go. And now every fragments of his memory is horror to me. My heart could not bear its wonder.

Sometimes I could not deal with a good bye very well. I would often look back and ask ourselves of what could have been if and if. My questions are impatient and could be endless. And even if I get perfectly happy with what I ended up having, my unconscious self would sometimes remind us of the feelings we have in our depths. I might have even made  imaginary walls to shut off recollections I never wanted to see again. But my subconscious scratches these walls from time to time. Like a vine with thorns, crawling to every filament of my mind, inflicting wound to everything it touches.

I could have said I miss him and that would be easier to understand. But that would not give justice to its real worth. I could have said I wanted to see him. But that would be an insult to the days I resisted to let things be. And at 2:55 in the AM, I am throwing off the dream catcher off my window. Well because, it was working well.

 

Hello, Again

by deeanefeliciano

There’s something so beautiful in the breeze every time September gets in. Could it be the longer nights and shorter days, the chill of the skin upon the wind blowing, the sad colors of the trees or perhaps the whimsical colors of sunsets? My September this year has been extra wonderful because my dog unexpectedly gave birth to two male puppies. We’re worried because  my dog is already seven years old but she put up through a normal delivery to two litters. Sadly, the other litter did not make it. What brings us more joy is that our seventeen months doll, Kendra Madeline, has been walking around sturdily. Late afternoons has been filled with activities such as dragonfly catching, dog chasing and picking our grand mom’s flowers. Although she’s very curious, she seems much smarter than her age and seems to know the dos and don’ts outdoors. Everything in my early September is light and beautiful. Perhaps it was the mystery of the atmosphere or the euphoria I can’t contain to myself that all convinced me that, it is time to get back to an old friend. Writing.

I had always wanted to get back into writing. But there were major changes and priorities that I have to attend to first. I got very guilty when some readers would mail me at social networking sites to ask why if I am still writing or I moved into new sites. I used to think everything I wrote was nonsense, for writing has been too personal for me, as an outlet of my feelings. But to know that a few really do read it and it mattered to them, somehow inspired me to try and write my heart out again. So I was constantly trying to find the right time to get back on. I just got a new desktop since the laptop was always crashing and I also moved a table inside the privacy of my old room. I could never write when someone else is in a room with me! And I just bought few books of which I am planning to write reviews about. So yes, I will be writing again! My long hiatus on writing might have taken its toll on me. So I felt like a child taking her first steps again. Last week, I caught myself reading old posts to familiarize myself about my old habit. And I could not believe I said those, thought of those, had been emotional over silly stuff and laughed at my childish whining! Guess it’s true, one day, you’d just be laughing at your past self.

I don’t remember too much of my September last 2013, perhaps because I haven’t written about it? And so this will be my first post ever since last year so pardon me if I shall be too random, funny and disorganized. I am trying  to wrap everything that happened in more than a year into few phrases. I could just tell everything that happened word by word. But I guess that would be unfair not to dip into those magical moments at a straightforward manner. So I might get clumsy and confusing but I will keep writing until I am comfortable enough again. I will just think of it as my punishment for not being persistent. Anyway, I would love to be a blank canvas and learn everything from scratch.

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