Deeane Feliciano

Dream Catcher

by deeanefeliciano

1:47 in the AM. I woke up to the sound of the hard pouring rain and the cold breeze in my room. There was a split seconds flashback of the dream I had. Something dreary, something that has shaken me. A monster that has been creeping on me for too long. The rain was almost gone when I stood up to prepare coffee. Coffee anyway, for I have lost intention of getting back to my sleep. The dream was long over but anxiety lingered while I was awake.

I envy the people who can describe their worst nightmares. I could not describe my nightmares in words of insults and wicked. They say they are either falling from a high place, being chased by evil beings, a faceless entity lurking from their windows, suffering sleep paralysis or being strangled by scary beings. Sometimes their nightmares are made up of threads of memories, either of ghastly regrets or of the beautiful days. My monster is not scary at all. He was beautiful, he was intelligent. There had been days in the past I have always yearned to see him, to be with him. But then he had to go. And now every fragments of his memory is horror to me. My heart could not bear its wonder.

Sometimes I could not deal with a good bye very well. I would often look back and ask ourselves of what could have been if and if. My questions are impatient and could be endless. And even if I get perfectly happy with what I ended up having, my unconscious self would sometimes remind us of the feelings we have in our depths. I might have even made  imaginary walls to shut off recollections I never wanted to see again. But my subconscious scratches these walls from time to time. Like a vine with thorns, crawling to every filament of my mind, inflicting wound to everything it touches.

I could have said I miss him and that would be easier to understand. But that would not give justice to its real worth. I could have said I wanted to see him. But that would be an insult to the days I resisted to let things be. And at 2:55 in the AM, I am throwing off the dream catcher off my window. Well because, it was working well.

 

Hello, Again

by deeanefeliciano

There’s something so beautiful in the breeze every time September gets in. Could it be the longer nights and shorter days, the chill of the skin upon the wind blowing, the sad colors of the trees or perhaps the whimsical colors of sunsets? My September this year has been extra wonderful because my dog unexpectedly gave birth to two male puppies. We’re worried because  my dog is already seven years old but she put up through a normal delivery to two litters. Sadly, the other litter did not make it. What brings us more joy is that our seventeen months doll, Kendra Madeline, has been walking around sturdily. Late afternoons has been filled with activities such as dragonfly catching, dog chasing and picking our grand mom’s flowers. Although she’s very curious, she seems much smarter than her age and seems to know the dos and don’ts outdoors. Everything in my early September is light and beautiful. Perhaps it was the mystery of the atmosphere or the euphoria I can’t contain to myself that all convinced me that, it is time to get back to an old friend. Writing.

I had always wanted to get back into writing. But there were major changes and priorities that I have to attend to first. I got very guilty when some readers would mail me at social networking sites to ask why if I am still writing or I moved into new sites. I used to think everything I wrote was nonsense, for writing has been too personal for me, as an outlet of my feelings. But to know that a few really do read it and it mattered to them, somehow inspired me to try and write my heart out again. So I was constantly trying to find the right time to get back on. I just got a new desktop since the laptop was always crashing and I also moved a table inside the privacy of my old room. I could never write when someone else is in a room with me! And I just bought few books of which I am planning to write reviews about. So yes, I will be writing again! My long hiatus on writing might have taken its toll on me. So I felt like a child taking her first steps again. Last week, I caught myself reading old posts to familiarize myself about my old habit. And I could not believe I said those, thought of those, had been emotional over silly stuff and laughed at my childish whining! Guess it’s true, one day, you’d just be laughing at your past self.

I don’t remember too much of my September last 2013, perhaps because I haven’t written about it? And so this will be my first post ever since last year so pardon me if I shall be too random, funny and disorganized. I am trying  to wrap everything that happened in more than a year into few phrases. I could just tell everything that happened word by word. But I guess that would be unfair not to dip into those magical moments at a straightforward manner. So I might get clumsy and confusing but I will keep writing until I am comfortable enough again. I will just think of it as my punishment for not being persistent. Anyway, I would love to be a blank canvas and learn everything from scratch.

THOUGHTS

by deeanefeliciano

1. There will be some days when you close your eyes while crossing the street, maybe because you want to see what fate has in store for you, or maybe because your depression is running rampant again and you don’t know how to calm her. It’s okay. I will still love you. 

2. There will be a year, or a series of years when your birthday doesn’t feel special. Celebrate anyway. Because people spent time baking you a cake and buying you cards and even if they’re your family and they’re obligated to, they still love you. Cherish that love. Revel in it. It is the best gift you will ever receive.

3. You will learn that the saddest word in the English language is stay. Whether it’s your mother’s voice whispering it before you leave for college, or your ex-lover’s desperate screams as you walk out of the house, it will always be a hard word to hear. Sometimes you should listen to it, other times you shouldn’t. Trust yourself. Go with your gut. 

4. Along with hearing the word stay, you will also hear the word why from every person who is remotely related to you. Why did you get that tattoo? Why did you try to kill yourself? Why aren’t you married yet? You don’t have to answer them. Be selfish. Keep somethings to yourself. 

5. Some nights you won’t be able to sleep. You will lie awake at 2 am and contemplate existentialism and wonder if the French had a point. Get up. Get out of your bed. Do something. Because even if there is no God, what you do matters, who you are matters. You matter to me. 

6. Some days you will want to run away and never return. So go. Drive to a small town in the Northwest, maybe Oregon, and settle down there for a while. Tell people your name is Elizabeth, because you loved Jane Austen as a child and because this a town full of strangers and who’s to know the difference? Don’t be selfish. Call your mother each night and remind her that you love her. Come back home when you find yourself seeing your sadness painted in the shadows, and when you feel more at home in the arms of a stranger than on your own. 

7. There will be several nights when you lose yourself in the medicine cabinet, because liquor and morphine seem like a faster cure than time. It’s okay. I will still love you in the morning.

8. One day, in the midst of work, you will learn to forgive. It will start out with a simple reminder of the past, maybe a facebook notification from an old schoolmate or a wedding announcement from an ex-lover. In that moment you will learn that yearning for the past isn’t romantic, it’s stupid, and that if Gatsby had just let go of the green light he would’ve lived. So forgive your past, it didn’t know any better, and move on. 

9. Leaving home will hurt, but soon you will learn that home isn’t a place but a feeling, and that there is a compass on your heart that points directly to that feeling. Follow that compass. Don’t get sidetracked by boys who don’t care or alcohol that doesn’t forgive. If you follow that compass, no matter how lost you get, you will always have a home. 

10. The hardest lesson you will ever learn will be to love yourself. But you can do it. There will always be days when you hate yourself, days when you wish you had never been born. But darling you are beautiful, and if Shakespeare had met you you would’ve inspired his 18th sonnet, and if Monet had known you he would’ve given up painting water lilies and chosen to paint you instead. I know it’s hard to love yourself, but sometimes it’s okay to be a little selfish with your love.

11. When you begin to feel worthless, remember that the stars died for you. You are made of elements that are thousands of years old, elements that make up every atom of your being. When you want to cut your wrists, remember that the souls of stars live in your veins. Don’t kill them. Don’t be selfish.

12. Some days will be beautiful. Live for those days. Live for the days when the sun shines on your soul and the smile on your face isn’t forced. Live for the days when you don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks because your scars are a part of your story and you don’t need someone else’s approval to wear them with pride.

13. Live for the life you always wanted but were too scared to pursue.

14. Live for you. Live for me. Live for every person who has ever loved you, for the people who have come before you so that you may be here today.

15. Live for the fire that burns in your soul, that tells you: keep going, you’re almost there, just a little farther. Because when Rome burned down the emperor didn’t run away, he stayed and he sang for his people. Stay. Sing for your people. Sing for us.

Disclaimer: I only found this on Tumblr. These are not written by me.

Beautiful Blessing

by Deeane Feliciano

How can someone be so blessed and at the same time utmost cursed? Or perhaps these trials happened to test whether I deserve the miracles.

There has been times when animosity took the best of me, devour every inch of my soul, stabbing my senses, thread by thread. And I thought everything was too cruel, everything was too mad to bear. Reality became too harsh that I thought having dreadful nightmares at night is way kinder. Reality became too harsh that perhaps, I would count being pared or burnt alive as kinder torture. Destiny put me into one of the worst situations I could possibly get when I was at my most fragile self.

But there was a little heart thudding. Like the sound of a fluttering bird approaching. Hope came in like hundreds of fireflies swarming at a cold winter night. I was not fighting alone any more.

The curse will always be spiteful people along the way. They are malevolent enough, too selfish to consider the fact you did nothing against them, who shall desperately hurt you. They may or may not know you, but they will injudiciously hurt you. I wonder sometimes if they feel better once they leashed their anger towards others. I feel sorry for these people, instead of feeling mad back at them. They are sad people. Their whole lives are sad it shows into their characters.

The sound of a little heart thudding grew stronger that everything sinister started to wither. Euphoria flooded every corner that even my nightmares are slowly replaced by rose-coloured daydreams. Every malevolent people are forgotten. Every harsh event in the past are forgotten. Like a healing. Like a miracle.

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